Tonight is Saturday night. It is 7:30pm, and I am curled up on my bed, listening to music, and writing this post. What is wrong with this picture? I am crying.
I crave depth. Whether it be in a favorite quote, a song’s lyrics, or a conversation, I crave the feeling of my soul being stirred. When I am talking with a person, I desire to reach that person on a level beyond superficial conversations and fake words. Maybe this is why I am terrible about texting and answering the phone.
But what does all of this have to do with me being alone and crying on Saturday night? After all, I have friends. I could pick up my phone right now and call about 15 different people and make plans to hang out. For some reason, though, I feel more called to turn off my phone and avoid their texts.
Last year, I made the best friend that I have ever had in my life. Was the relationship perfect? No, it was far from that. We challenged each other. We had fun, we fought, we made mistakes, and we learned. Sometimes we just sat in silence. He was the first person that I ever sang and played my guitar for, and he was the first person to ever make me feel beautiful within my own skin. Many times, we wiped tears from each other’s eyes when life seemed too hard. He knew me better than anyone else ever has. He was the only person that ever took the time.
Where did we go wrong? Sin crept into our relationship. Sin destroyed this beautiful gift that God had given to us.
As much as I used to hate him for how he has hurt me, I know that I also have hurt him. I find myself wishing to talk to him, but I am afraid by the very thought of hearing his voice again. Tonight, I find myself grieving over the loss of this friend.
But tonight, I also find myself in the arms of my Savior. His face, I cannot see it. His arms, I cannot touch it, yet I know they are wrapped around me. Tonight, I find myself comforted by the only guaranteed force: the love that our Father has for us.
This post is much different than all my other ones. It is not filled with funny quotes or jokes. Rather, it is filled with my true heart’s conviction:
“God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and matures in us. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first” (1 John 4:17-19 The Message).
No matter where you are tonight, I pray that God’s love will work within you as it is working within me. Tonight, rest with me in the promise that, “God is greater than our worried hearts” (1 John 3:20 Message).